Kendrick Todd Culhane

Our son arrived February 10, 2010 at 4:24 pm. He weighed 3 ounces and was 7 and 1/4 inches long.

When Kelly and I decided that we wanted to have another baby, it took some work.  We had made a permanent decision to end our family after the girls.  We weighed all the costs, emotional and financial, and decided that our family would not be complete without another baby.  Very soon after making that decision, we found out that we were expecting Kendrick.  We were elated, and a little bit in shock.  We were embarking on a pregnancy that would be different than the others.  You see, five months into my pregnancy with Keeley, we found out that my dad had pancreatic cancer and would be lucky to see her birth.  The rest of my pregnancy was simply not the same.  Knowing that your father might not be present to see his first grandchild, your first child, is a tremendous weight to bear.  Daddy made it, though, and celebrated the arrival of Keeley.  We got pregnant again quickly.  Both because we wanted our kids close together and because I wanted every chance possible for Daddy to meet my children.  Daddy only had a chance to meet Kayden in heaven.  He died when I was 5 months pregnant with her.

The thought of having another child that I knew Daddy would never meet was hard.  However, I believe that Daddy knows Kayden and felt confident that he would know any other child we had as well.  I was excited for a pregnancy that would not have the crisis of death associated with it.  This pregnancy would be different.  I would only have the pregnancy to worry myself with.  That worry proved to be enough.

From the beginning, this pregnancy was different.  I ended up in the ER before I'd even had confirmation from the ob that I was pregnant.  I was very sick and tired and had a traumatic ER visit at 13 weeks.  We also found out that we were having a boy.  People thought we were "trying" for a boy but we weren't - we simply felt our family was not complete.  While a little overwhelmed by having to learn "boy things" we were excited to start changing our lives to accommodate a little boy.   We did all the genetic testing out of habit.  It all came back normal.  I say out of habit because I knew that we would have the baby regardless.  We had simply done the screening with the girls and I thought I wanted to do it again.  I'm so glad I did.  As I continued to bleed, and the ultrasounds all looked fine and I was reassured by the knowledge that the genetic screening said everything was fine.

Thursday, February 4th, I had an ultrasound with a specialist.  She told me that my hemorrhage was finally gone and that I should stop bleeding but might continue to spot.  I felt really bad on Saturday and had some cramping.  Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling achy and just a little wrong.  When I went to the bathroom, there was red blood again.  Not a lot, but I didn't think I was supposed to have any.  I called the office and they worked me in that afternoon.  I took the girls straight from their naps. We waited for an hour.  As my midwife was walking in the door, she got a page that she needed to do a c-section.  She came in, did a quick exam, showed me that my report from the specialist showed a low lying placenta which could be the cause of bleeding, and tried to find Kendrick's heart beat.  She tried for a second and couldn't so she ordered a quick ultrasound.

I was worried - they've never failed to find a heart beat any time that I have been dopplered, but not too worried because I knew that she was trying to get to a c-section and that he was tiny and they can be tricky to find.  The girls and I waited some more and then got called in to the ultrasound.  While they entertained themselves with the candy bowls, I looked at the screen.  The moment I saw the screen, it looked wrong.  He wasn't moving.  I couldn't see the heart beat either.  I turned away and watched the girls.  It was more than I could take to watch her try to find something I knew was no longer there.  She asked who I was seeing and I said Jeanean.  She said that Jeanean had just left but she needed to show the doctor something before I left.  I've had two healthy baby girls and this with my 9th ultrasound with Kendrick - they have never left the room before.  I waited what seemed like forever.  I called Kelly and told him to come straight to the office.  The tech and doctor came back in and got me on the table again - only to confirm there was no heart beat.

I started crying, listened to the doctor, and then stayed in the room and waited for Kelly.  Keeley asked why I was upset.  I said "The baby in Mommy's tummy died and now he's in Heaven with Poppy.  He is not going to be able to come home with us."  She looked up at me with her big, innocent, not even 3 year old eyes, and said "But I really wanted him to. Maybe later."  I said "I wanted him to also, baby. I did too but he isn't going to be able to."  How is it even fair that she has already lost a grandfather and brother and she isn't even three yet?  Why should she have to know so much loss so soon?

Kelly arrived and I filled him in.  We tried to wait for Jeanean but the girls were way past tired and hungry and had been at the doctor for over 2 hours.  We gathered them up and were loading in the car for Kelly to take home when Jeanean came across the parking lot.  You could see the look of grief, and surprise on her face.  She wrapped me in a big hug and took me back inside to explain what happened next while Kelly got the girls settled with Mom.

Because I was 16 weeks along, I had to deliver him.  I was admitted to the hospital and given drugs to make my body go into labor.  Any of you that know me, know that my body doesn't do this quickly.  The drugs were started at 10pm and he wasn't born until 4:24pm the next day.  Most of those hours were spent in a very drugged state.  I avoided the physical and emotional pain that way.  At 2pm, I was tired of being passed out and Kelly was tired of me being passed out.  I tried to fight through the pain as long as I could.  It was horrific.  By far the worst pain I have ever experienced.  And yet, consenting to an epidural was almost more than I could get myself to emotionally do.  Epidurals happen when people have babies.  They happen when people have babies they get to keep.  I wouldn't be taking a baby home.  It all seemed so unfair.  Labor hurts.  You get through it knowing that you are going to hold a miracle in your hands.  Why wasn't I going to get that?

It turns out that I did.  The labor was physically harder than my labors with the girls which makes no sense because he was only 3 ounces.  It was odd when he arrived because Jeanean looked up and said "he's been delivered" but there was no baby cry, no rush of activity to get the cord cut or nose suctioned, no cleaning off to give to Mom and Dad..   I just had to finish delivery.  The part most women don't even notice because they are holding their new baby, I had to fight through.

About an hour later, she brought him to us.  He fit inside his hospital hat.  I know that was just his shell.  I know he was already in heaven, but holding him was such a blessing.  He was a perfect miracle. He fit in the palm of my hand.  He had ten tiny (and long!) fingers, ten tiny toes, two ears, two eyes, a little mouth, and a big nose.  We got to hold our son, if only for a few moments and that was such a blessing.

I don't think there is any way to understand. As of now, nobody can tell me what went wrong.  We may never understand this side of heaven and that is something that I will just have to accept.  I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to take care of one of God's children for 4 months, to be allowed to bring him into the world the way God intended, and to hold him.  Having to go through labor and then hold him was somehow more healing than I could have imagined.

There are no words for comfort, so don't search for them.  We know you are there for us and we love you all dearly.  Thank you for loving our son enough to read his story.