Holding Babies

After Kendrick died, we received the book "We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead".  It is a very sweet book, but I honestly thought it was a little beyond my girls.  We've talked about Daddy/Poppy's death a lot and we didn't hide Kendrick's death.  The girls knew before Kelly did, actually, because they were there in the ultrasound room when realized he no longer had a heartbeat and I started to cry. We have talked about Kendrick a lot.  For several weeks after he died, the girls would talk about the "baby in Mommy's tummy" and I would have to remind them that he was in Heaven now with Poppy.  Regardless, we've read the book because my girls love to read and it is appropriate, I just didn't think they would really understand it all.  I was wrong.
 
A couple of our closest friends have had babies this year.  My best friend gave birth to twins 3 days after I delivered Kendrick.  As I'm sure you can imagine, the sadness and grief I feel is certainly stronger around these tiny babies.  I haven't been able to hold them.  I will look at them and touch them, but I can't actually hold them in my arms.

Easter weekend, we went over to my best friend's house for dinner and and Easter egg hunt with her older kiddos.  We were there a long time.  It was the first time that I had held a newborn since Kendrick died.  At first, my girls were really upset by this.  They both told me to put him down.  By the end of the evening, however, Keeley asked if she could hold the baby that I was holding.  I said "Sure.  We'll need to sit down on this seat and you can sit in my lap.  We'll hold him together."

She did just that and it was adorably sweet.

The next night, we were reading the Angel book at bedtime.  A little ways into it, there is a picture of the mom in a rocking chair. Keeley said, "Do they have seats in heaven?"  I responded with, "I'm sure they do.  Lots of them.  Why?"  She looked at me and said "So I can hold baby Kendrick when I get there."  I told her that we could both hold him when we got there.

Grieving is hard.  Children are so pure.  I'm so touched that she has a connection with Kendrick even though she never got to hold him here.