Okay, true confession time. Being a mom is hard. I have absolutely had my fair share of moments that I wish hadn't happened. So far, all of those had been between me, the kids, and God. Today, however, I had an experience that seriously almost made me cry because I felt like such a failure. I know in my head that I am not, I am actually a very good and loving mother...but sometimes it is just really hard to keep that in perspective.
Keeley has been a little off since Saturday. Yesterday and today she's been really, really grumpy. Yesterday she actually told me that her throat hurt (a first for recognizing pain). I decided to take her to the doctor today because we just got Kayden well from herpangina with a secondary bacterial infection.
While at the doctor Keeley was fine, as usual. The doctor said her throat was red but the strep test came back negative. Since it looks to be a virus, there isn't a whole lot we can do. Kayden was fussy at the doctor and I said it was because she wasn't sleeping well lately. I truly thought it was that plus the fact that she might be hungry and we'd been there for 45 minutes with no good toys for her. She ended up getting really worked up and the doctor said "let me take a look in her ears just in case. She is really fussy".
Well, lo and behold, she has a horrible double ear infection. I'm not sure I can even quantify how tiny I felt when she told me that. Here I am listening to my daughter cry for an entire hour thinking she just doesn't want to sleep and what she is really saying is that she hurts. I didn't even have her at the doctor for her, she tagged along with her big sister. I didn't ask the doctor to look, she felt so bad for my kid that she didn't feel right letting us leave without checking her ears. Horrible, horrible moment in my parenting life. We came home with an antibiotic and some numbing ear drops.
Now, just in case any of you think that I might actually be up for the worst mother of the year award, let me tell you why I thought she was just being stubborn and wanted to play.
* She finished augmentin (a pretty strong antibiotic) on Saturday.
* She doesn't have a fever.
* She doesn't have a cold.
* She is eating fine.
* She is 100% happy if she is playing...until the very end of the day. I have just figured she gets grumpy at the end of the day because she isn't napping.
In order to suspect illness, I would think you would need some other sign. Apparently my sign is lots of crying at nap time. In the absence of any other symptom, I'm not sure how to distinguish illness from nap resistance though.
You are the most UNhorrible mother I know! If kids aren't showing their typical signs of pain (including fever) you could never know. You're not a bad mom!...And anyone reading that who thinks that shouldn't be your friend!
ReplyDeleteKerri! You are a great mother! No mom would've suspected that she was sick with all of those signs (or lack of really). I know it's hard, but don't guilt yourself because your awesome!:)
ReplyDeleteHere's a story to help you put things in perspective.... :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 3 my dad dropped me out of a wheelbarrow while we were at our family lake house for the weekend. I cried, & cried for the rest of the weekend because my leg hurt, but my parents told me to "shake it off" and walk on it anyways. Monday morning when I was still crying Mom took me took me to the doctor. My leg was broken. And you think you're bad?! Ha! At least there weren't any broken bones involved! :)