Love for a lifetime

When Daddy was diagnosed with cancer, my family had to revisit a topic that we hadn't visited in 20+ years:  that of loving for a lifetime.  My younger brother was diagnosed with Crohn's disease when he was in elementary school.  There was a period of time (when Mom became the official paparazzi of our family) that we didn't think he was going to live.  My brother and I have both blocked most of this time from our mind.  It is odd how your mind can protect you from things.  Regardless, it was during this time that my mom first started feeling like she was living each day to love for a lifetime.  When you think the ones you love are going to be gone, you truly have to say everything and do everything you want with them now because there may not be a later.  Fortunately, my brother is still with us and apparently healed - doctor's can't find any traces of his disease.

I'm certain my parents never stopped loving for a lifetime every moment, but my brother and I were forced to learn that lesson with Daddy's diagnosis.  The blessing of cancer is that it provides you the opportunity to do the things you need to do and say the things you need to say before you can't do that anymore.  There was a lot of loving and living during the time following Daddy's diagnosis - with Daddy and with everyone in our lives.

After Kendrick died, I spent a lot of time wondering what went wrong.  Why hadn't anyone been able to tell me this was going to happen?  Why couldn't I have stopped it?  Would it happen again? Then, I was talking with a friend who had also had a miscarriage.  She said to me "You know, the baby can die anytime from conception to birth. And then your child can die anytime after. We just don't know."  I don't know that she has any idea how profoundly that stuck with me.  Kendrick is no different than Daddy.  It was simply his time to go.  He lived the life that he was supposed to live, even if it means that his entire existence was inside me. It doesn't mean that anything went wrong.  Her statement to me changed the way that I viewed the loss of our son and reminds me that I need to spend each day loving for a lifetime.

"I love you a little bit"

Tonight, Kelly put the girls down while I was out.  When I got home, he told me he found out our ranking.  I was very confused.  He exolained that when he was putting Keeley down that he kissed her on the head. This is the conversation that followed:

Keeley:  I love you a little bit.

Kelly:  I love you a lot.

Keeley:  No, I love you a little bit.  I love Mommy a lot.

Poor Daddy!

Arguing with a 3 year old

No, not me.  I know better than to try to argue with a 3 year old.  When I picked Kayden up from school today, her teacher told me that she had been arguing with a 3 year old in her class.  This is the conversation according to her teacher:

P:  "I'm wearing underwear."

Kayden: "Yes, well, I'm wearing a diaper".


She cracks me up.  Her teacher said that she is a joy in class.  But, really, how could this face not bring you joy?

The things they say

Today I had a doctor's appointment and a good friend volunteered to watch the girls.  While waiting, forever, I got a text from her.  It said:

I took my pony tail down.  Keeley said "what happened to your hair?".  I said I took it down.  She replied "put it back so it is pretty again."


Later, we were eating dinner and the girls were dancing with each other and laughing at each other.  Kelly and I started laughing and Keeley looked at us in all seriousness, pointed her finger, and said "You can't laugh at us.  We are laughing at each other so you can't laugh at us."

They are just so funny!

Potty Time!

Keeley is potty trained outside of naps and bedtime.  Seeing big sister go to the bathroom all the time has made Kayden obsessed with it as well.  She wants to sit on the potty all the time.  I'm in no hurry to rush the potty training, but I also know that kiddos go through critical phases where it is easier.  Because she is interested, we indulge her most of the time.  We practice sitting and relaxing and pushing.  We go through the motions of wiping, flushing, and hand washing.  Usually, to be honest, I'm just annoyed that we have to spend so much time in the bathroom.

Thursday, the girls and I went to Chick-Fil-A.  Keeley, of course, needed to go potty while we were playing.  We got shoes and socks on, ran to the restroom, and Keeley started for one stall while Kayden started for the other.  Annoyed, again, at Kayden saying "need to go potty", but not wanting to discourage, I helped her get situated. She pushed me away and said "need some privacy".  As I was stepping back and explaining to her that I wasn't leave her in there by herself, she got a huge grin on her face and I heard her actually going to the bathroom!  She's not even two.  I was so excited for her.  I asked if I should sing the proud of you song and she said yes so I was singing to my littlest in the Chick-Fil-A bathroom.  She was so, so proud of herself.

We've had lots more "need to go potty" with no success in the two days since then.  Tonight, Kelly and I were on a date and I got a text from Mom saying that she did it again at our house!  Perhaps potty training the second will be easier than I thought! 

Before the morning

We continue to be covered in the thoughts and prayers of all of you.  Knowing that so many of you are hurting for us and there for us is incredibly reassuring.  We will never forget Kendrick and our lives are forever changed by his short life.  The biggest blessing during all of this is certainly the two beautiful girls we have at home.  I am daily reminded of God's amazing love through my children's hugs and smiles.

I'm not sure I will ever get to a point where I understand why this has happened.  Honestly, I'm not sure understanding would make the pain any less or the hurt go away any faster.  Much like with the death of Daddy, I just have to believe that there is a bigger picture to life and that he is there watching over us from Heaven.

With that in mind, I've been very touched by this song by Josh Wilson.




Before The Morning – Josh Wilson (Life is Not a Snapshot)

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now?
Or maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there so say a prayer
And hold on ’cause there’s good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time
But you’ll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning


God works in mysterious ways.  The song was written for another baby boy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPfzV3ktAPY

School

We got off to a bit of a bumpy start with the school transition for the girls.  Last week was supposed to be their first full week in the primary (for Keeley) and the toddler community (for Kayden).  Monday and Tuesday went fine.  Because I was in the hospital with Kendrick on Wednesday, they didn't go to school.  Thursday was hard for them to go to school because we had been gone all day Wednesday (thank goodness for Valentine's Parties and snow to distract). Friday was snowed out.  So, there wasn't a lot of consistency with school (or anything else really!) last week.

This week Kayden went to school all week and Keeley only missed school on Wednesday (because she was sick).  Keeley still tells me that she doesn't want to go to the "big kid school" but she doesn't cry or seem overly upset when we get to school.  While I'm sad to drop her off knowing she misses her friends, she always comes to the car at the end of the day with big smiles and is so very proud of the work that she has done.

Kayden is doing fabulously.  She doesn't mind getting out of the car in the morning, has a great time while she is there, and always comes bouncing and smiling to the car at the end of the day.  I was a little nervous about her being gone every morning, but she seems to really be loving it and that makes me so happy.  She's also gotten even more verbal in the last two weeks letting me know that she is definitely listening to all the other kids and the two new adults in her life.

I love, love, love seeing my girls so happy and learning at such a young age!

Kendrick Todd Culhane

Our son arrived February 10, 2010 at 4:24 pm. He weighed 3 ounces and was 7 and 1/4 inches long.

When Kelly and I decided that we wanted to have another baby, it took some work.  We had made a permanent decision to end our family after the girls.  We weighed all the costs, emotional and financial, and decided that our family would not be complete without another baby.  Very soon after making that decision, we found out that we were expecting Kendrick.  We were elated, and a little bit in shock.  We were embarking on a pregnancy that would be different than the others.  You see, five months into my pregnancy with Keeley, we found out that my dad had pancreatic cancer and would be lucky to see her birth.  The rest of my pregnancy was simply not the same.  Knowing that your father might not be present to see his first grandchild, your first child, is a tremendous weight to bear.  Daddy made it, though, and celebrated the arrival of Keeley.  We got pregnant again quickly.  Both because we wanted our kids close together and because I wanted every chance possible for Daddy to meet my children.  Daddy only had a chance to meet Kayden in heaven.  He died when I was 5 months pregnant with her.

The thought of having another child that I knew Daddy would never meet was hard.  However, I believe that Daddy knows Kayden and felt confident that he would know any other child we had as well.  I was excited for a pregnancy that would not have the crisis of death associated with it.  This pregnancy would be different.  I would only have the pregnancy to worry myself with.  That worry proved to be enough.

From the beginning, this pregnancy was different.  I ended up in the ER before I'd even had confirmation from the ob that I was pregnant.  I was very sick and tired and had a traumatic ER visit at 13 weeks.  We also found out that we were having a boy.  People thought we were "trying" for a boy but we weren't - we simply felt our family was not complete.  While a little overwhelmed by having to learn "boy things" we were excited to start changing our lives to accommodate a little boy.   We did all the genetic testing out of habit.  It all came back normal.  I say out of habit because I knew that we would have the baby regardless.  We had simply done the screening with the girls and I thought I wanted to do it again.  I'm so glad I did.  As I continued to bleed, and the ultrasounds all looked fine and I was reassured by the knowledge that the genetic screening said everything was fine.

Thursday, February 4th, I had an ultrasound with a specialist.  She told me that my hemorrhage was finally gone and that I should stop bleeding but might continue to spot.  I felt really bad on Saturday and had some cramping.  Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling achy and just a little wrong.  When I went to the bathroom, there was red blood again.  Not a lot, but I didn't think I was supposed to have any.  I called the office and they worked me in that afternoon.  I took the girls straight from their naps. We waited for an hour.  As my midwife was walking in the door, she got a page that she needed to do a c-section.  She came in, did a quick exam, showed me that my report from the specialist showed a low lying placenta which could be the cause of bleeding, and tried to find Kendrick's heart beat.  She tried for a second and couldn't so she ordered a quick ultrasound.

I was worried - they've never failed to find a heart beat any time that I have been dopplered, but not too worried because I knew that she was trying to get to a c-section and that he was tiny and they can be tricky to find.  The girls and I waited some more and then got called in to the ultrasound.  While they entertained themselves with the candy bowls, I looked at the screen.  The moment I saw the screen, it looked wrong.  He wasn't moving.  I couldn't see the heart beat either.  I turned away and watched the girls.  It was more than I could take to watch her try to find something I knew was no longer there.  She asked who I was seeing and I said Jeanean.  She said that Jeanean had just left but she needed to show the doctor something before I left.  I've had two healthy baby girls and this with my 9th ultrasound with Kendrick - they have never left the room before.  I waited what seemed like forever.  I called Kelly and told him to come straight to the office.  The tech and doctor came back in and got me on the table again - only to confirm there was no heart beat.

I started crying, listened to the doctor, and then stayed in the room and waited for Kelly.  Keeley asked why I was upset.  I said "The baby in Mommy's tummy died and now he's in Heaven with Poppy.  He is not going to be able to come home with us."  She looked up at me with her big, innocent, not even 3 year old eyes, and said "But I really wanted him to. Maybe later."  I said "I wanted him to also, baby. I did too but he isn't going to be able to."  How is it even fair that she has already lost a grandfather and brother and she isn't even three yet?  Why should she have to know so much loss so soon?

Kelly arrived and I filled him in.  We tried to wait for Jeanean but the girls were way past tired and hungry and had been at the doctor for over 2 hours.  We gathered them up and were loading in the car for Kelly to take home when Jeanean came across the parking lot.  You could see the look of grief, and surprise on her face.  She wrapped me in a big hug and took me back inside to explain what happened next while Kelly got the girls settled with Mom.

Because I was 16 weeks along, I had to deliver him.  I was admitted to the hospital and given drugs to make my body go into labor.  Any of you that know me, know that my body doesn't do this quickly.  The drugs were started at 10pm and he wasn't born until 4:24pm the next day.  Most of those hours were spent in a very drugged state.  I avoided the physical and emotional pain that way.  At 2pm, I was tired of being passed out and Kelly was tired of me being passed out.  I tried to fight through the pain as long as I could.  It was horrific.  By far the worst pain I have ever experienced.  And yet, consenting to an epidural was almost more than I could get myself to emotionally do.  Epidurals happen when people have babies.  They happen when people have babies they get to keep.  I wouldn't be taking a baby home.  It all seemed so unfair.  Labor hurts.  You get through it knowing that you are going to hold a miracle in your hands.  Why wasn't I going to get that?

It turns out that I did.  The labor was physically harder than my labors with the girls which makes no sense because he was only 3 ounces.  It was odd when he arrived because Jeanean looked up and said "he's been delivered" but there was no baby cry, no rush of activity to get the cord cut or nose suctioned, no cleaning off to give to Mom and Dad..   I just had to finish delivery.  The part most women don't even notice because they are holding their new baby, I had to fight through.

About an hour later, she brought him to us.  He fit inside his hospital hat.  I know that was just his shell.  I know he was already in heaven, but holding him was such a blessing.  He was a perfect miracle. He fit in the palm of my hand.  He had ten tiny (and long!) fingers, ten tiny toes, two ears, two eyes, a little mouth, and a big nose.  We got to hold our son, if only for a few moments and that was such a blessing.

I don't think there is any way to understand. As of now, nobody can tell me what went wrong.  We may never understand this side of heaven and that is something that I will just have to accept.  I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to take care of one of God's children for 4 months, to be allowed to bring him into the world the way God intended, and to hold him.  Having to go through labor and then hold him was somehow more healing than I could have imagined.

There are no words for comfort, so don't search for them.  We know you are there for us and we love you all dearly.  Thank you for loving our son enough to read his story.

Boots

It was raining last night (and cold!).  Kayden got into the hall closet and found Keeley's rain boots (she doesn't like to wear clothes still).

 Keeley then decided that she needed rain boots too, but was upset that Kayden's were so small on her feet!

Look at the "cheese" faces!

Kayden - Day 1 at GSMS

Today was Kayden's first day at Good Shepherd.  We've been talking about it since the end of last week.  She knew that she would be going to Keeley's little school with Mrs. Sutton and Mrs. Alva.  I wasn't at all worried because she's met a lot of the kids before and she sees the teachers every day for carpool.  However, this morning did not start out well!  We had a good ten minutes of flailing and crying because she didn't want to wear her uniform.  Fortunately, big sister quickly went and found a matching shirt which seemed to appease Kayden. Plus, look how cute they are with their green shirts!!

 

 Good Shepherd is really good about transitions.  Since this was Kayden's first day, she would not go through carpool.  I would take her about 15 minutes into class and stay with her the entire time she was there (about an hour and a half).  This meant that she stayed in the car while Keeley did carpool.  The entire way to school we talked about Kayden going to school and she kept saying "No. Karen and Ronda" (those are her old teachers).  When Keeley's teachers came to the car, Kayden literally hid - she covered her face and looked down.  I was getting more and more nervous about how it would go once we were in class.

I didn't need to be worried, however.  Kayden clung to my leg for about one minute once we were in the classroom and then she hardly even acknowledged I was there for the next hour and a half.  Mrs. Sutton said I probably don't even need to come in tomorrow with her!

Funniest thing about the entire morning was snack time.  The kiddos made muffins.  Kayden got right up there with the rest of them helping the teacher.  When the muffins were ready, she patiently waited her turn.  In the classroom, there is a little table with two chairs that they put flowers on for snack time.  This means that only two kiddos can have their snack at a time.  When it was Kayden's turn, she sat down and had her two muffins.  Mrs. Sutton told her that she couldn't have any more just yet because we had to let all the friends have a turn.  She told Kayden she could have more muffins when the second batch came out.  Kayden tried one more "please" and then cleaned her spot and pushed her chair in (impressing me!).

She did a few more works in the class and kept eyeing the snack table and her friends having snacks.  She really wanted another mini-muffin.  She went and stood next to the table for a moment.  Then she went to another table, got a chair, and put it down at the snack table.  Even Mrs. Sutton laughed and told her that she "was impressed by her ingenuity" but that it still wasn't time for her to have more snack yet.

Little Talker

Keeley likes to fool people.  Upon initially meeting her, she is painfully shy and probably won't even make eye contact with the new people.  However, she isn't really shy, she is just reserved.  Once she is comfortable with you, she will talk your ear off!

Last week when she first started at the "big kid" school, her new teachers told me that she was very quiet and doing much more observing than talking.  She spent 4 partial days and one full day at school last week.

Today was her second full day at school.  That means her new teachers picked her up and brought her back to me at carpool.  I was a little nervous about how she'd do today since Kayden also started school.  Well, she did fine.  Her teacher had barely even opened the door to get Keeley before she said "She is really a talker.  It is all coming out.  She was telling us all about her birthday and her sister's birthday.  Quite the talker."

I suppose she has warmed up to her new class and new friends!

The horse

After a particularly trying day with my youngest, Mom suggested that we buy a rocking/spring horse to help her with some of her energy.  So far, it does seem to distract her a bit from the constant climbing she had been doing.  Both girls love the horse and I am amazed at how much power Kayden puts in to riding it.  She likes to get up on the horse and say "look at me. riding horsie" and "I'm up here!"

Pictures!

Keeley and Kayden in the tent.  One looks sweet, the other looks a bit mischievous....

Kayden sitting, bare bottomed, on the baby doll's potty.

Keeley's awesome outfit choice for Saturday.  I'm not sure you can tell from this picture, she has not one or two but EIGHT clips in her hair.

Don't you wish you could sleep this restfully?

Big Girl School

I think that this week of transition to the "big girl" school went much more smoothly than I anticipated.  Certainly the newness will wear off and she will want to be back at the "little kid" school when Kayden starts there, but so far, so good!  On Thursday, she stayed over in the big kid school until it was time for carpool and one of the teachers over there brought her to the car.  Then, on Friday, she spent the entire day there.  I was so proud of her and so pleased with the school.  Her lead teacher actually got her out of the car.  She noticed that we have books in the car and suggested Keeley bring one so that they could read it together in the class. 

Each Friday, the primary students have music class in the morning and then chapel right before pick-up.  Because it is a chapel day, they have to wear specific uniform pieces.  Look how adorable she is?!  And how grown up she looks!!

Keeley made so many crafts at school this week and really enjoyed the big kids.  On Wednesday, she actually had me pull over so she could show me her artwork before she had her snack.  I'm so proud of her and her transition to the big kid school!

Transition: Day 1

Today was Keeley's first day to transition to the "big kid" school.  Over the course of the week, she will be spending more time each day in the primary classroom.  On Friday, her new primary teacher will get her out of the car in carpool and she will spend the entire day in her new classroom.

Last night, I told Keeley that she would be visiting the big kid school today.  She seemed hesitant and was very insistent that she would go back to "her" school after the visit.  This morning, one of her new teachers stopped by to say hello to me and Keeley while we were in carpool.  As soon as she left, Keeley said "I don't like that new teacher".

However, when I picked Keeley up from school, she was all smiles!  She and another of her friends both spent one hour over in the primary classroom together and she had fun.  Keeley told me that she did lots of painting works and that the "big kids showed me how to do the works".  Hopefully each day will go just as well!